“Come on skinny love… just last the year.” -Birdy
I have written several blogs in the last several months, but haven’t been able to post them. I feel like today is going to be the start of something new… something terrifying, sad, thrilling, something that will cause me alot of sleepless nights. I am taking that step forward. A step that I’ve needed to take for a long time. The step that hasn’t been taken, and I’ve run out of people and things to blame that on. Life is scary. Life is what you make it.
I’ve been dealing with a lot lately… divorce, failed relationships, exhaustion, hectic career, uncertainty and confusion in basically all aspects of my life. I’m restless. I want to move. I want to stay. I want to be alone. I want to be someone’s someone. I want to believe in people. I want not to care. I want to run far away and not come back. I want go home.
So this step… I’m going to grow up.
I didn’t think I’d ever be saying that, but I think that it is officially time. I’m going to start taking things and mysef seriously. I mean for the most part I put on a good “adult” show. No, not like that. I have a good job… I’m alive (for the most part), and I know what I want. I’m bright and I have so much potential. However, my personal life is just a mess. It is so … scattered, unorganized and lacks purposeful direction. Well no more games. I have some goals that I’ve written out and I’ve been trying to meet many of them, and I think that I’ve been relying too much on other people to help me. I’m going to do this myself, and not for anyone else or with their help.
So Update of Goals:
Goal #1: Grow up.
Goal #2: Strengthen and renew my relationship with God. Give Him control over my life, and put my trust in Him. Be observant and mindful of His plans for my life. Go to church regularly, pray often, do devotions, join a small group or Bible study. Schedule daily time with Him.
Goal #3: Build healthy self-esteem and nurture a positive self-image of myself.
Goal #4: Put forth a conscious effort to make true, strong friendships that will improve my life and not take from it. Also, learn to give in friendships and realize it friendship goes both ways. Be an active participant and put in the work.
Goal #5: Work at a stronger professional relationship with my co-workers and netowkr with others in my industry.
Goal #6: Take better care of myself and respect myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Protect what is important to me… including relationships. Do not let outside influences interfere.
Goal #7: Have respect for others and those I love. Consider how my actions and choices impact those that love and care for me. Make good and responsible decisions.
Goal #8: Do not be afraid to love others and to tell them what. I am not weak, but vulnerable for showing emotions. That is okay. It is okay to let some people “in,” but not everyone. Protect myself from those who do not have my best interests at heart, but let true friends and family to know the real me. Be open and honest about my life and what I’m struggling with…
Goal #9: Take chances with people, experiences, work and love. Try new things. Try things that are scary for me.
Goal #10: Allow myself to be vulnerable. Put myself out there with the chance of getting hurt and disappointed. DO NOT allow myself to shut down emotionally and shut people out.
Goal #11: Practice forgiveness. Even when I don’t want to or want to convert back to my “old ways.” Forgiveness will free me and not them. Forgiveness is the opposite of simply not caring.
Goal #12: Be open and brutally honest with myself, and those I care about the most. Being genuine and reassuring is key. In relation to others always put them and their needs first before my own.
Goal #13: Learn to have emotions. Learn to express them appropriately to others. Be comfortable with having them and letting others see them for what they are…
Goal #14: Consider counseling if needed – just to get out some things and take away a new perspective. Don’t stop it when I feel like I’ve made myself better, but commit to 6 months or 1 year and complete it. Seek advice from those that I trust and do not keep things inside.
Goal #15: Stop blaming others. Place blame where it truly belongs, and always start by looking inwards. Take responsibility not by being a martyr, but over my actions and words. I’m going to mess up and make mistakes and do the wrong thing at times, but that isn’t failure. It doesn’t mean I’m not moving in the right direction.
Goald #16: This is a new starting point in my life. Do things that right way… start fresh. This is the time to change the things about myself that have been holding me back!
Goal #17: Keep a schedule and stay true to it. Make my goals and my life #1 priority. Do not let outside distractions and bad habits get in my way of accomplishing what I need to do.
Goal #18: Minimalize life as mush as possible. Stop making things harder and more complicated and cluttered. Minimalize in all aspects and areas of my life… including posessions and harmful relationships. Only the really important things should remain.
Goal #19: Make my passions my priority in life. Make legitimate strides at accomplishing these goals. Fitness, travel, family… (side note: fam. tree proj.)
Goal #20: In all interactions and activities remember to be present, genuine and intentional.