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Goalies

“Come on skinny love… just last the year.” -Birdy

I have written several blogs in the last several months, but haven’t been able to post them. I feel like today is going to be the start of something new… something terrifying, sad, thrilling, something that will cause me alot of sleepless nights. I am taking that step forward. A step that I’ve needed to take for a long time. The step that hasn’t been taken, and I’ve run out of people and things to blame that on. Life is scary. Life is what you make it.

I’ve been dealing with a lot lately… divorce, failed relationships, exhaustion, hectic career, uncertainty and confusion in basically all aspects of my life. I’m restless. I want to move. I want to stay. I want to be alone. I want to be someone’s someone. I want to believe in people. I want not to care. I want to run far away and not come back. I want go home.

So this step… I’m going to grow up.

I didn’t think I’d ever be saying that, but I think that it is officially time. I’m going to start taking things and mysef seriously. I mean for the most part I put on a good “adult” show. No, not like that. I have a good job… I’m alive (for the most part), and I know what I want. I’m bright and I have so much potential. However, my personal life is just a mess. It is so … scattered, unorganized and lacks purposeful direction. Well no more games. I have some goals that I’ve written out and I’ve been trying to meet many of them, and I think that I’ve been relying too much on other people to help me. I’m going to do this myself, and not for anyone else or with their help.

So Update of Goals:

Goal #1: Grow up.

Goal #2: Strengthen and renew my relationship with God. Give Him control over my life, and put my trust in Him. Be observant and mindful of His plans for my life. Go to church regularly, pray often, do devotions, join a small group or Bible study. Schedule daily time with Him.

Goal #3: Build healthy self-esteem and nurture a positive self-image of myself.

Goal #4: Put forth a conscious effort to make true, strong friendships that will improve my life and not take from it. Also, learn to give in friendships and realize it friendship goes both ways. Be an active participant and put in the work.

Goal #5: Work at a stronger professional relationship with my co-workers and netowkr with others in my industry.

Goal #6: Take better care of myself and respect myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Protect what is important to me… including relationships. Do not let outside influences interfere.

Goal #7: Have respect for others and those I love. Consider how my actions and choices impact those that love and care for me. Make good and responsible decisions.

Goal #8: Do not be afraid to love others and to tell them what. I am not weak, but vulnerable for showing emotions. That is okay. It is okay to let some people “in,” but not everyone. Protect myself from those who do not have my best interests at heart, but let true friends and family to know the real me. Be open and honest about my life and what I’m struggling with…

Goal #9: Take chances with people, experiences, work and love. Try new things. Try things that are scary for me.

Goal #10: Allow myself to be vulnerable. Put myself out there with the chance of getting hurt and disappointed. DO NOT allow myself to shut down emotionally and shut people out.

Goal #11: Practice forgiveness. Even when I don’t want to or want to convert back to my “old ways.” Forgiveness will free me and not them. Forgiveness is the opposite of simply not caring.

Goal #12: Be open and brutally honest with myself, and those I care about the most. Being genuine and reassuring is key. In relation to others always put them and their needs first before my own.

Goal #13: Learn to have emotions. Learn to express them appropriately to others. Be comfortable with having them and letting others see them for what they are…

Goal #14: Consider counseling if needed – just to get out some things and take away a new perspective. Don’t stop it when I feel like I’ve made myself better, but commit to 6 months or 1 year and complete it. Seek advice from those that I trust and do not keep things inside.

Goal #15: Stop blaming others. Place blame where it truly belongs, and always start by looking inwards. Take responsibility not by being a martyr, but over my actions and words. I’m going to mess up and make mistakes and do the wrong thing at times, but that isn’t failure. It doesn’t mean I’m not moving in the right direction.

Goald #16: This is a new starting point in my life. Do things that right way… start fresh. This is the time to change the things about myself that have been holding me back!

Goal #17: Keep a schedule and stay true to it. Make my goals and my life #1 priority. Do not let outside distractions and bad habits get in my way of accomplishing what I need to do.

Goal #18: Minimalize life as mush as possible. Stop making things harder and more complicated and cluttered. Minimalize in all aspects and areas of my life… including posessions and harmful relationships. Only the really important things should remain.

Goal #19: Make my passions my priority in life. Make legitimate strides at accomplishing these goals. Fitness, travel, family… (side note: fam. tree proj.)

Goal #20: In all interactions and activities remember to be present, genuine and intentional.

-A

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The Past – Originally written and edited May 20, 2014

I met someone 2 months ago that has changed my life in a profound way.  This person is like no one I’ve ever met before, but yet I feel like I have known him my whole life.  On the surface he is my opposite, but on the inside we are identical.  He sees right through me.  Being with him is like being with your reflection… the only way to remain identical is by acting opposite.

Is it possible for someone like this to exist?

I love him, but I’m afraid to tell him.  I’m afraid to hurt him.  How do I tell him that I’m broken, and I don’t know how to love?  How will he understand that I didn’t want to love him. He is too good for me.  

I’m a broken girl with a shattered heart … that never learned to be herself again. 

 

No matter how much you change in life… your past will always find you.  You will always be judged for what you’ve done in the past and people will want you to open up old wounds and start reading like a book.

and I’m afraid of being hurt.  I’m afraid that because of who I am… what I am…. he won’t want me.  

How do I tell him that I’m broken, and I don’t know how to love?  

What is it that causes you to lose your breath when you lock eyes with him? What is behind the butterflies in your stomach when you see him walking towards you from a ways off?  How is it that when he touches you and pulls you into the most reassuring, safe, protected hug of your life that it creates total confusion in your mind, and the only thought that you can formulate is that you wish you could stay there forever?  Is that love?  

When you can’t sleep because you miss him. But when he lays next to you, you can’t fight back the darkness.  When you wake up and your first thought is of him.  When he is gone, but thoughts of him put a smile on your face…. and he will never know it.  When he makes you feel special for the first time in your life.  Is that love?

He understands things that no one else has ever before understood, and we can have conversations about things that I wouldn’t have ever thought would take place.  Is it possible for this person to really exist?  

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#palegirlproblems

This is the time of year that all pictures of me turn out crap.  Why?  Because I blend in with the background of everything that is light, and if it happens to be dark… then I look like this flourescent lightbulb brightly shining and drowning out any recognizable facial characteristics. It is just this blob.  Like an orb.  Like the bright North Star guiding the three wisemen to Jesus’ stable.  That is me. 

So this year I’m going to fake tan it up and become not white…. but hopefully not orange either.  I shall opt for the spray tan as I do not go to tanning beds.  Tanning beds will surely cause me to develop cancer faster than you can say melanoma.  I cannot apply any tanning lotion to myself because that is where the uneven color and lines and streaks will occur.  However, I shall get a spray tan… not for vanity sake, but for the sake of having a winter picture of myself that doesn’t portray me as being the color of paper.  Or a ginger.  Mind you… I love gingers.  Not only is my beloved J a ginger, but I have recently developed an amazing crush on Tri Bourne… a professional volleyball player and full time ginger.  *happy dance*  That 6’5″ giant man of hotness is amazing.  I digress…

Sooooo in other news.  I had LASIK last Thursday and it was amazing.  So far the results are phenomenal and I’m so happy to not be wearing contacts or glasses.  I still think my vision could get a bit better so cross your fingers.  It was a pretty pricey ordeal, but I think I’ll be able to get rid of that debt fairly quickly.  Also, another awesome thing is 12 months no interest so I can get rid of this thing in a year easily and then not have to pay all the interest back on it as well.  Woohoo!! 

Work is outrageously busy and I’m going to actually run downstairs and grab some food and then start churning out massive amounts of productivity!!!! 

-A

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Nope – I haven’t died!

I missed you blogged! I’ve been thinking and trying to post for weeks now but I’ve been too busy…or emotionally and mentally drained… So let me quickly/briefly run down some of my updates.

1) Vegan Times – I’m still focusing on eating more fruits/veggies, and am using FitnessPal to count my calories! I’m doing it with S and A so that we can all motivate each other. :)

2) I went on a Cemetery Walk on Saturday with my grandma and her our family friend Mrs. C. It was sooo fun. We want to go back just to read the headstones and stuff. I know, we are weird but it was seriously a lot of fun. It wasn’t too cold or too hot and it was interesting and not boring. The only thing that I can say I didn’t like was when Grandma asked a follow up question to one of the “actors” after his story about a man who went off to the West from Little Fort to Seattle to become a surveyor… she asked him about when the courthouse moved from Libertyville to what is now Waukegan, and he basically said he didn’t know and that during his speech he made it up. Um…okay? Then we asked the other guy who was kind of the real historian of this little shindig and he said that the courthouse was never in Libertyville actually. Well whooopty-doo. Stop making things up when I’m trying to learn about the historical significance of our town! Sheesh.

3) Hockey (preseason) has started. I’m a freak about it and have watched most of the televised ones. I wanted to watch last nights game but it was one that isn’t televised. I don’t know why but they aren’t televising 2 out of the 6 preseason games. Boo! Oh well maybe next time if I get the chance.

4) Job in New Hampshire – Squashed. I’m staying home in the beautiful Chicagoland area! It was a good experience though and getting to visit New Hampshire was a lot of fun. However, it made me realize how much I love living here and that I’ve just been finally getting that feeling of “belonging” here since I only moved about 3-4 years ago.

5) Work is still chaotic with just me working on things. My boss and I are in talks though about it and hopefully I won’t be drowning every time I come in to work and feeling defeated and unmotivated all the time because the work keeps piling up no matter how much I work or how hard I work.

6) J is coming on Friday morning and I couldn’t be more excited! I still have to clean the house a bit and I need to get all the props and the clothes and things for the pictures on Friday that we are taking (no ifs ands or buts!). This is happening this time no matter what. Rain or shine! Even if I just rolled out of bed and look like a mess this lady is taking our pictures and we will find a way to make them beautiful with out glowing personalities and happy times, lol.

7) I have to start working now otherwise I won’t be productive at all and that feeling stinks! I missed you blog, but I’m glad I am back and I shall be back again soon …. hopefully later today and definitely after the pictures are done!!!! :)

Woot Woot!-A

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Draft from 8/14? Why not… I’ll post ya anyways.

Vegan Update: Going good this week. I’m rocking the fruit and veggies and no dairy thing. The only thing that I’m eating that is not vegan friendly is yogurt in the morning for breakfast. My diet is turning more and more into vegetarian, but I think that is still a big improvement. I logged into MyFitnessPal for the first time in over a year! It is good to know that I’m basically the exact same as I was back then, lol. Improvement would be better, but it is nice to know that I have some consistency.

I have an interview today at 3PM for a position at a university in New Hampshire. I was contacted by a recruiter, and apparently heard of me from other people passing my name along to him. I would pretty much be what I’m doing now, but I would have to move. Technically the career opportunity is amazing, and I am leaning towards taking it even though this is kind of a weird time of the year for me and for moving as summer is basically over and it will be fall/winter soon. There is so much to think about!

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Merp.

The bestie graduated from Northwestern this weekend, and it was a blast hanging out with her!  We went to the graduation ceremony, hung out downtown, went on the dinner cruise for Spirit of Chicago where I won another luncheon cruise to be used at a later date!  She is super precious, and I love her.  She is now starting a new “program” that she is calling… The Degree for Fitness!  She is going to start focusing on getting healthy and fit, and I feel like I’m on that journey with her. :)  Even though I’m not calling it a super, adorable name like that.  Mentally, I’m all in.  

 

Sooooooo… I went grocery shopping yesterday for the week.  It cost me $36.  Say, wha?!  If I can save that much money each week by buying from the grocery store instead of eating out… I am going to be rollin’ in the dough!  :)  I want to save money to go to Europe at the end of this year/beginning of next year with, S.  My hubby won’t be going because he has Navy stuff to do and it would be a huge deal to get the time off.  However, we are going to plan something for later.  He wants to go to Ireland and I promised I won’t go without him.  So that is our deal.  Some people may think it is mean to go to Europe without him, but if I’m going with my best friend I think it is okay.  Life is so short, and I would encourage him to follow his passions/dreams and not hold him back.  I’ve ALWAYS wanted to travel, and it is probably the dream I’ve had for the longest.  I’m that girl that sits in the bookstore (or rather laying on the floor in between the aisles) in the travel section just reading and taking down notes for the place I want to see one day.  

For X-mas I bought myself books about European and Middle Eastern countries so I could read all about them.  I just have this crazy desire to travel and see the world!  Even though he may not be with me he is having his own life adventures too, and I don’t want to wait forever and have regrets about not going when I could have or when it would be better.  We don’t have kids yet and so I think this is the perfect time to see the world and to live some more before I get tied down to one state with my babies. :)  Even though I don’t think that will happen… it will not be as easy to travel toting around a toddler or something. I want to travel now while I’m still full of wonder and energy and intense organization, lol.  We want to go to Switzerland, Italy, Scotland and I want to run across the border of Switzerland into France for a mini second! That is all that is planned for this first trip.  I’m super excited, but have to plan some other things here in the states first before I get 100% crazy girl on this European kick.  I have a volleyball tournament coming up this weekend that we still need two plays for… but I sorta want to still play 4’s instead of 6’s…. hmmm we shall see.  Anyway, I have to finish some work up first and then I’m going home for some dinner before my volleyball game tonight! 

 

-A